Accepting the Good and the Bad
The mental disposition in which one simultaneously accepts the good and the bad in people to the extent that the bad when prevalent, does not negatively impact the quality and longevity of the connection may at first glance seem easy to attain but It isn’t, on the contrary it is a very difficult disposition to attain, one that many do not even know exists and those that do, know not how to integrate its existence in their day-to-day interactions.
For years I struggled with this, my failure to accept this unity of opposites manifested itself in several ways but to help you understand it, I will borrow from Dr. Henry Cloud in Changes that Heal; consider views such as people are either good or bad, I should be better than I am, they will dislike me if they knew this or that about me, they will leave if they found out what I did, my Christian walk will only be respected if I am perfect, God accepts me when I am good and rejects me when I am bad, if they do this then they aren’t morally upright and many other views we hold that stumble us in overcoming the detriments brought on by failing to simultaneously accept the good and the bad in ourselves and those around us.
Lately, I have made significant milestones in my quest to accepting the good and the bad in people and by extension, the opportunities and circumstances that have come my way. The other day I caught myself pondering over a friends actions, she is undoubtedly one of the greediest human beings I have ever encountered and it baffles me, matter of fact baffling is understatement, It infuriates me how destructive this greed has been over the years and how blind she is to it, when she is on a rampage she cannot be reasoned with. In her mind, her actions are always and have always been justified. On the flip side she is the most generous person I have ever been privileged to see, she will stand in the cold for hours waiting for you to show up and when you do, she will hand you the coat off her back so you can stay warm, she will travel for miles to comfort you and when you are both lacking something but she gets hold of it first, she will not hesitate to offer it to you wholeheartedly without giving a second thought to her need for it. It is ironic how someone could be so greedy and destructive while being so selfless and generous. In my moments of anger prompted by her greed I have mentally written her off so many times, but her kindness breaks down my anger to the point of tears. I see a person who is simultaneously bad and good. Should she be cut off by those whose lives she has destructed in her bouts of greed and selfishness? I can’t answer that but I can say, we need to learn to accept both the good and the bad in people and circumstances without throwing out the connection or opportunity, sometimes life demands of us the acceptance of discomfort in a situation or the acceptance of flaws in people inorder for us to benefit from the good they bring to the table.
You see, love cannot exist in the absence of knowledge, I can confidently say I love my friend because I know and see her for what she is. I love her knowing all too well what she is capable of both in terms of the good and the bad and vice versa. Perhaps if she was a writer, of me she would write, ‘I have a friend, she can be incredibly self-centered, blunt and heartless, cutting off people at the first sign of trouble and moving on like they never existed, it baffles me! yet while she is so quick to anger she is even quicker to forgive, she values friendship, she keeps her word and though she is blunt she often weaves threads of friendship from her heart to yours that in moments of deep pain, she is the one person who can read your pain and understand that silence is what is needed because the truth when not spoken with grace ceases to be truth’. Our friendship is strong because over the years we have learnt to embrace both the good and the bad that we bring to the table.
My failure to accept the good and the bad in people/situations looked like a string of short-term relationships which involved running at the very first sign of a weakness in a partner, it was the constant changing of jobs and moving houses, cutting off friends for mistakes and judging others for lifestyles or choices that were different from what I was raised to believe was right. In my younger years I thought there was one path to right or truth and anyone who didn’t see or do things that way was ultimately wrong or bad. What does your failure to accept the bad and good in people look like, is it new partners every other month or year even if you are married or committed, bragging about being a perfectionist, no one is good enough for you, you deserve a better job, better pay than the next guy, you are smarter than your boss ,whatever it is — figure it out. Anyway, in my case this was the basis of many failed relations and missed opportunities, ones that could have blossomed into great friendships, opportunities or love stories but they all died at the altar of my inability to understand that people are a mix of good and bad. This is by no means a case of regret but an experience that was necessary to fine tune my personality so I could grow into the woman i am and i have loved becoming. We should not discard people when they are less than perfect because surprise!surprise! all of us are less than perfect and far from ideal. Learn to tolerate a little discomfort in an opportunity, focus on the benefits like what you are learning from every opportunity even when things are uncomfortable, so maybe your boss is alittle rude and demanding but maybe they are also the best in the field in which you want to excel — stick around till you master your craft. I heard a woman once say of her adulterous spouse, I chose to stay with him for all the things he had done right and not leave him for the one thing he had done wrong — let me add ‘ceteris paribus’ because the argument for staying with an adulterous spouse is a can of worms i pray i will never have to open.
My point here is very simple; we need to develop the skill of integrating the good and bad. In Africa there is a popular expression which goes; ‘‘in this life-there is no balance’’ but you need to adopt a balanced perspective of people and circumstances. Rework what the ideal looks like; ever noticed how a man will pursue a woman or job in a specific company for years but when he finally gets a chance, no sooner had he arrived than he left her or the job, it’s the failure to accept the bad and the good that comes with the given chance, see when we envision the life we want, the opportunities we hope to get and the people we will build a life with, we focus on the good but never do we envision the bad this will come with and how we will process the negative emotions, the weaknesses and the disappointments we will encounter. A lot of introspection will come in handy here too, the same grace we hope people will extend to us, is the same grace we ought to extend to others, we want to be accepted for both our best and shadow sides — let’s do the same for others, in the words of Dr. Henry Cloud Practice loving the less than ideal in others by staying connected to them even when they are less than ideal, you will begin to value real relationships and stop demanding the impossible. We stand to gain far more than we will ever lose when we learn to simultaneously accept the good and the bad, however, lets exercise caution, there is no excuse for staying too long in toxic jobs or abusive relationships in whatever form they take.
