Happy New Year…I Guess
It’s the first day of January, 2022 and I would pay for a rewind, not that there is anything I would like to go back to rectify in particular but I am simply scared of getting older. For someone as sensible as i, I find this laughable but years of therapy have taught me to look my fears straight in the eye, to name them before I can be equipped to a degree that would allow for change. We can never change anything if we do not admit it even exists. Some may be able to relate to this; ever asked someone how much they drink, and they claim they drink occasionally but what they mean is I have been drinking at least 3 days out of 7 days every week since i took the first sip of alcohol. Infact , the individual literally uses alcohol as a copying mechanism for every emotional and mental hurdle that they encounter in life.
Anyway, this isn’t a piece about alcohol or my fear of my upcoming birthday on the 6th of January, 2022 but about the yearly review that I write on since I became a poet. However, for some reason the last two years of the pandemic have zapped the life out of me and I can’t say I am excited about 2022.
But here goes nothing…
If I were to give the past year a theme, it would be Friendship.
I grew up in a home where the display of affection was not practiced unless it was a reward for academic achievements. I remember getting a hug from my Father once when I did well in school simply because I was the best student in the final 9th grade exams, since then, I endeavored to be top of my class because I learnt that I was loved the most when I exceled at academic pursuits. Consequently,I have never failed an exam in my entire life, and I don’t say this proudly, I think one of the most important lessons a parent should teach a child is how to fail in life in order for them to learn to how to get up, it’s a skill that will come in handy throughout the years. I learnt affection was expressed as a result of exceptional achievements. Even then, it wasn’t by way of verbal expressions just actions. This is not to say my parents failed me but as an adult, you will not fully develop until you can look back at your childhood with an objective lense that allows you to both praise and critique your parents because by virtue of being human, they were prone to error much like you will be, if you choose to be a parent.
Nevertheless, Knowing this about me, a close friend of mine dedicated last year to verbally expressing his affection for me till it healed me. When parting after each meeting, he would look at me intently and say “I love you Yvonne”. At first, my response was to pretend I didn’t hear him, then I would spend hours confused about what he meant or what sort of love it was, it was very foreign to me. I have literally dated people who never heard me say i love you unless i was saying it to ease the breakup process (LOL). As time went by, I learnt to verbally express my love for him, not for anything achieved or for what I hoped to gain but simply because he has existed and continues to exist in my life as a friend. I learnt to tell my sister how much I love her and my uncle too.
This reminds me of a colleague whose daughter called her after failing an exam and she wanted to know if her mother loved her anyway. My colleague laughed at her daughters remark and lovingly retorted, “I love you not because of any of your achievements but simply because you are my daughter”. Tell your kids you love them often so that they can learn that love is not something given in exchange for anything, that even their authentic selves is worth loving. They can grow up to be friends and parents who know how to express how much they value those around them before it’s too late. While a heartfelt Eulogy is nice, knowing one is loved before death is even better.
Friendships are like that chair that you love so much because it’s incredibly comfortable but it needs upholstering every once in a while to stay beautiful. Whoever said female friends aren’t the best, wasn’t talking about mine. We ought to start a podcast or series called Sex, kids, feminists and technical virgins in LSK city just so the world can see how amazing my girls are. My point is if you invest in your friendships, they will invest in you too and all parties will reap priceless rewards. Don’t get so caught up in the life you have built so much that you forget the people who were there to help you carry the building blocks.
They say growth sometimes requires separation, it’s funny how I found truth in this expression in the last year. I came to realize that this separation isn’t always obvious, I could be In your life for 10 years but after 7 years, I could decide to separate from you in every sense of the word except physically. Separation sometimes looks a lot like spending less time with friends you know aren’t the best people to aid you in pursuit of your new goals, sometimes its setting boundaries with family or with self and sometimes its just walking away from a relation(s). I had to walk away from places and people I loved very much because I wanted to grow while they were comfortable with the status quo . Then i stayed beside someone I love very much but I mentally choose to separate from the individual, it was time we either grew or separated so I set subtle but firm boundaries. I further observed that the places or people we grow into aren’t always better than where we are coming from and in the first few weeks or months, the urge to return to the familiar can be strong but we must keep moving. Growth can be painful, but the rewards are worth it.
I hope you keep moving and growing too in 2022.
