Something New
Change can be paralyzing especially when we previously dove deep into a beautiful pool but landed on a rock. I never really thought about how difficult change can be until I had to make a choice that involved letting go of a past commitment to take up a new one. Have you ever been in a toxic arrangement or relationship for years, you knew it was toxic but when it was time to let it go you just couldn’t bring yourself to leave? This could have been a job, a partner, family or a religious grouping.
If your life is anything like mine, you were born in a family affiliated with a certain religion, you were told it’s the right religion and your only option was and still is to adopt it as your own. Any decision taken that is contrary to this inherited religious affiliation will be deemed as betrayal of your God and family. I recently came to a point of letting go of my old religious denomination, I will not bore you with why I came to this decision but I was so sure I was ready. However, at the very last minute, I couldn’t help but pause, the gravity of my decision began to weigh heavy on me, in my culture anyone who takes their religious affiliation seriously builds their entire life around it and the decision to replace it with another affiliation, involves the loss of friendships and sometimes family. A decision, many are either unable to make or at the very least, reluctant to make.
I realized letting go of anything one has held on to for years is difficult and sometimes even impossible, whether it is something one loved it or something one was merely comfortable with it. I couldn’t help but pause to reflect on my choice before giving up the old for something new. Even if you lived in the ghetto and finally make it big, I swear there will be days when you will miss the ghetto. I believe that each encounter that offered a positive experience in one form or another, will forever be etched in our minds and this presents a challenge when it’s time for a replacement.
There are a lot of reasons why letting go of the old in exchange for something new is not only hard but sometimes impossible and here are a few of mine:
Fear of failure — they say we must teach our children how to fail or let them fall so they can learn how to rise but I never learnt how to fail or fall gracefully. Just last week I fell off my chair, there was nothing graceful about it just embarrassment and pain, this seems to apply to everyday life too. How many religious denominations can you commit to over one lifetime, how many times can you switch jobs before your curriculum vitae begins to tell a negative story, how many times can you remarry or fall in-love with different people before you begin to feel like a failure? In addition, failure has repercussions. In the words of a good friend, you can only take so many battle scars in life, at some point it takes a toll on you. I am afraid of falling so sometimes I would rather stay down, it’s familiar there and I know the only option I have left Is to get up, eventually. Other times, I fight tooth and nail to keep from falling but in the process, I lose myself and realize that too is a form of failure.
Fear of People’s opinions — I have learnt over the years to not care what people think of my life choices but like other people, I attained this state after internalizing people’s negative opinions to the point where these opinions began to sound and speak as my own voice. That inner voice is the one that speaks to me at 3am, asking questions and reminding me of my past failures; “what makes you so sure this is the right choice, You should try this instead of that, imagine what so and so would say, they laughed at you last time, do you really want to give them something else to laugh at?”. Last but not least, it’s the opinions of my loved ones, the people i respect and whose opinions i value that I fear most. Even as an adult, the look of disappointment or disapproval is not one I have learnt to embrace. The fear of people’s opinions is so real that even as a writer, we often think, what will they think of this, is it too much information? But how can it be too much information when its simply my vulnerable truth and it doesn’t change despite what people think of it.
Mental and Emotional Exhaustion — Life is a series of decision making, every day from the time you become an adult, you have to make decisions. What to eat, what to wear, how to earn a living, who to love, who to worship, whether you want to have kids or not, which route to take and so much more. We have done this for so long, we divorced the active use of our brain, we live our lives on auto pilot majority of the time and when our lives go off-track or against the set routine, we malfunction! A couple of malfunctions that require new ways of looking at and doing things, and I will be the first one to complain about exhaustion, either mental, emotional or both. I honestly don’t know who promised me an easy life, I don’t remember but I somehow convinced myself that life should be easier than it is and easier than it has been. Yet, I remember someone once told me that a human being is the only creature designed to either be heading towards problems or away from problems, your life will always be moments between these two, and you must be ready to make tough decisions to resolve the problems to come. I suppose the hardest part in all of this is knowing that much of the off-track situations that call for decision making have life-long consequences that cannot always be reversed.
The other day a friend and I were driving along independence avenue, the trees were shedding their leaves and he asked me if I knew why the trees on that avenue shed every year right before summer. I never noticed and in my mind, its just how things are and will always be. After a google search, I learnt that this is a form of self-protection and preservation, it’s a strategy to survive severe weather conditions. I wished I was a tree but I’m not, yet I can draw a lesson from these trees, letting go of the past can make room for a better future, it can be a form of self-preservation and protection. It is something that no one can do for you, it is a choice only you can make, stay in the past and possibly die there, or take a risk to try something new, because what if you fly instead of fall, what if you get newer and greener leaves, what if the second marriage works, what if the new love is the one that stays, what if the new job is your dream job or the new religious denomination is the one through which you find your life’s purpose as God intended?.
Give something new a chance but also, know that there are things which cannot and must never be replaced, merely cherished. Learn which things or people these are in your life before you unknowingly shed them off to your own detriment.
